I worry, you see. Do you worry? Do you? But, do you really, though?
Some of us take worrying to a whole new level. Some of us even become pros. I worry, because of The Worrying Pattern, which is something I have discovered over time and some very hard lessons.
It’s a ridiculous concept, of course, but I have come to the conclusion that when I worry about something (as I’m apt to do), I find there’s far less chance of things going wrong.
In the past, it’s when I’ve let my guard down and stopped worrying about a particular thing, that absolutely terrible things have happened. Horrendous things. Awful, dismal abysmal things.
And so, having developed a recognition for this pattern, I tend to worry not just for worrying’s sake, but also out of some weird, neurotic superstition that I now cannot seem to rid myself of.
It’s just like the photo above says; worrying about things enough tends to keep them at bay. Most of the things I worry about will never happen, and in my warped head, that’s precisely down to the fact that I have been worrying about them.
It’s when I stop worrying about something, that things tend to go wrong. Relax for just a little while, and then BAM! It happens. End of the world, as I know it.
I’m not saying this has never been fully deserved, though. To be quite frank, shit happens. And to me, shit usually happens when I stop worrying about… well, shit.
Luckily for me, when things have gone cataclysmically wrong, it’s usually been for the best, and always seems to happen when I’ve been on a particular path that I’ve known hasn’t been good for me.
It’s sort of like life, coming along like some sort of invisible wise ninja, to knock me back into my rightful place.
And although it can feel like a terrible shock at the time, in the long run, these terrible events do tend to be a good thing, that have led me onto greater things, which would never have happened otherwise.
But at the same time, there are many, many things in my life that I do not want to go wrong, and so I will continue to worry about those, and hope the universe stays on my side.
Don't we all have that hope?
Having been freelancing and surviving mainly on my wits (and sometimes the support of loved ones) since my first novel was published in 2008, I've always had The Fear.
If you've ever been self-employed, you know the one I mean. It's been deeply ingrained into everything I do.
It's carried on nicely to me running my own business, and no matter what I do, or how successful I become, I can't seem to shake it.
You know, what worry that everything will implode and I'll lose every penny I have and myself, my partner and also our scale people will end up homeless on the streets.
It's a good fear to have, because it helps me be sensible with money. I still relatively good (cautious) choices, and I do invest a little bit both in myself and my business, but I also have the tendency to hoard monies and not go on that holiday or weekend break because WHAT IF.
Maybe I'll grow out of it. I'd also like to live a little more, and not be in constant fear and worried about the future - but when the world's in the state it's in right now, how is it possible to operate without crippling anxiety about the upcoming 'mass extinction' and collapse of everything around us?
Maybe the best thing to do is just to live for the moment (and keep a healthy amount of worry in the back of your head at all times).
Welcome to my head. If you've managed to read all the way through this, congratulations.